Why does toast always land butter side down?

Consider carefully what happens when a piece of toast falls, butter-side down, onto the floor. Butter ends up on the floor, where it is both accessible to felines and no longer appetising to humans. This is No Accident.

In the remote past, before agriculture, and before the milking of cows and the churning of butter, cats had a problem. Cats like cream, milk, butter and many other foods which unfortunately are derived from cows. Cats found their paws were not ideal for milking a ruminant, something cows fully agreed with, and cats had to go hungry. The breakthrough came when cats first domesticated the human.

Cats checked out various species. Dogs were stupid, pigs and goats were intelligent but had cloven feet. Homo sapiens however had prehensile hands with opposable thumbs. This enabled humans to milk cows, make butter and spread it on toast, all impossible with cloven hooves or clawed paws. But not only did humans have all these abilities, but they were docile and suggestible. They had warm laps and they had a marked predisposition to drop things.

Intelligent Design

Later, cats also conditioned humans to catch fish in simple nets, to weave cat baskets, and to make cat bowls using simple potter’s wheels. (This was in fact why the wheel was first invented. Cats always knew that round things roll. They are not stupid). To enable toast to be made, cats also taught humans how to make fire. Cats are clean creatures and would never dream of getting dirty, rubbing sticks together with soot and sparks and so on. This is why they did not make the fires themselves.

The crucial detail is that humans are about three foot high when sitting down, the exact height from which toast will rotate once before landing on the floor. Cats soon conditioned humans to sit down a lot by climbing onto them and purring. This is an example of Intelligent Design.

There is one circumstance in which toast will not fall butter side down, which is when someone drops toast on purpose to prove the rule. Cats do not like clever Dicks who try to out-smart them. The exact rate of rotation is only manifested when the toast falls entirely through inadvertence.

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