We all worry how to save the planet from global warming and its unpleasant side effects. These are known as the greenhouse effect, and involve nasty slimy stuff growing under the flower pots and a claustrophobic feeling which can lead to light-headedness. Imagine if the whole world was like this and you get the picture.
Lets start with the basics. If you tie a plastic bag round your head, and lock yourself in a cupboard, you will reduce your CO2 emissions instantly and will go green in a matter of a few days. There may be a small trade-off with other greenhouse gases. Obviously using a canvas or hessian bag would avoid using plastic which is a fossil fuel product, but fabrics tend to let in the air. Plastic bags should always be recycled, so if you are a really committed environmentalist, tie a small note round your neck asking the finder to make sure the bag is taken to a supermarket which has a bag bin.
If you plan to stay alive, lifestyle choice is fundamental. Do you exercise more than average? Vigorous exercising produces lots of CO2. Do you eat lots of green veg? Vegetables produce methane which is like CO2 but smellier. Obviously methane is worse if you are in a greenhouse, so just stick to exercise, but use restraint.
One of the worst things about global warming is that people worry. Will my house keep its value? Will the microchip in my wheelie-bin still work under two metres of sea water? Will my 4x4 be taxed more, even if I use it to drive migrants back where they came from? Lets look at some of these myths.
First, sea level rise is nonsense. When all the flat places in the world are swamped, the water will be all spread out. Lots of places are below sea level already. If we just siphon all the extra water into places like Death Valley and Holland, there won’t be a problem. And remember. We don’t need to worry about melting icebergs. Floating ice displaces its own weight of water. Try this at home. Draw a thick line with waterproof marker at the top of your gin and tonic. when the ice cubes melt, the level will be the same. Make sure you don’t drink the gin and tonic while you wait. This isn’t an experiment for children to try. They might drop the G&T.
Next, don’t worry that technology will fail us. As we speak, in the U.S.A. they are perfecting a giant mirror that will reflect all the nasty rays back at the sun so they never reach the earth in the first place. Of course, this will make the sun get hotter, but solar warming isn’t our problem. Technology is bound to come up with solutions to the problems of climate change. After all, think how primitive man used simple technology to adapt to life at the end of the last ice age. Without the brainwaves of 15,000 years ago, we would still have mammoths and giant ground sloths roaming the countryside, and just think what emissions they might cause.
What about social changes? Global warming is about much more than where to take the next holiday. We will all have to get used to changes in our every day lives. The cry will be “Don’t you know there’s a catastrophic climate event on?”. The old Blitz spirit will ensure that everyone mucks in together. We could use old coal fired power stations to house poor people from other parts of the world. Advertising hoardings could be made out of solar panels. We can all stop de-icing our fridges and freezers. Think how much water can be locked up there out of harm’s way.
It's not all doom and gloom. The round Britain yacht race will be much more interesting when you can sail direct between Bristol and Weymouth. There will be lots of new jobs, watering palm trees and trimming cacti. And even if the world does get rather hot, it not as if it hasn’t happened before. People on Venus don’t complain.
Clairvoyant Catrina Explains.... is an occasional series in which the Mystic Mog unravels Life's Big Questions. If you have a Big Question you think needs answering, please email clairvoyantcatrina@donowdo.com
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