A press release plopped onto my desk this morning.
Research has shown that people find socks with sandals a turn off.
Now, the terms "Sex Kitten" and "Fashion Guru" aren't ones that my friends and family would readily apply to me, but you know, even I had managed to work that one out for myself. I hardly needed a boffin in a white coat to produce statistical data proving that 9 out of 10 women said they preferred toes.
But someone, somewhere thought that this research was worth paying for and, more, that it merited a press release. Who are these people? The Sandal Research Institute? The League Against Unslightly Feet?
Come to that, who on Earth would take fashion advice from a scientist? Maybe other scientists. Perhaps this research was vital in enabling scientists to interact with the rest of humanity. You can imagine the conversation.
“Can I have a word Geoffrey? It has come to my attention that you have been wearing socks with your sandals. I have data here that conclusively proves that this will significantly reduce the likelihood of your DNA re-entering the gene pool.”
It is incredible that pointless research manages to get funding, and publicity in the scientific press. With AIDS still incurable; with resistant strains of malaria and tuberculosis beginning to saunter unmolested round the globe; with the stop clock running to find renewable sources of energy or perish in a global sauna of our own making, scientists are still finding time to dazzle us with revelations that we worked out for ourselves by the age of nine.
Biscuit crumbs get down the back of the sofa.
You don’t say! Apparently, this problem is so extensive that it is estimated that some 172,000 tonnes of crumbs (plus or minus 10%) are lurking in our soft furnishings. Yes but they're not all down the same sofa are they? There is not one super slob sitting somewhere balanced precariously atop a massive heap of crumbs. And they’re not recyclable, unless you have a pet mouse. So hoover them up occasionally and forget about it.
Cold chocolate snaps and warm chocolate goes a bit bendy.
Most of us worked this one out at a fairly young as well, generally when chocolate got a bit warm and chewy when left for a while in the pocket of our school uniforms. We also found that if we left it too long it got sticky and acquired a fine coating of green fluff (My school uniform was green. If yours was blue, then it was probably blue fluff.) However, by using scale sensitive fractal analysis and low incident light angles, scientists have been able to prove conclusively that the texture of chocolate changes with temperature. I’m sure you are astonished.
People associate champagne with parties and celebrations.
Important sociological data this. At least with this one it’s not difficult to guess who commissioned the research. Maybe the point is to try to prove to us that we want champagne, only champagne and nothing but champagne and that nice bottle of Australian sparkling chardonnay at half the price is really not nice at all. Statisticians can prove it!
Cats shed more hair in the summer than in the winter
Even your cat knows this one. They demonstrate their knowledge by throwing up fur balls in strategic places for you to step on in pyjamas and bare feet. Next we’ll be being told that it is warmer in the summer than the winter and that more people wear jumpers in the winter than in the summer.
Which brings us back to fashion. Never ever take fashion advice from a boffin.