What is the most accursed piece of technology given to us by the great gurus of our age?
How about:
Automated telephone menus with so-called voice recognition.
Whose voice do they recognise? Certainly not mine
“Who do you wish to speak to?”
“Accident and Emergency”
“I’m sorry I didn’t catch that. Who do you wish to speak to?”
“Accident and Emergency.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t catch that. Who do you wish to speak to?”
“Axe-ee-dent and ee-merge–uncie”
“I’m sorry I didn’t catch that. Who do you wish to speak to?”
“ACCIDENT AND EMERGENCY YOU STUPID SODDING MACHINE”
“I’m sorry I didn’t catch that. Who do you wish to speak to?.......Are you still there? …..Are you still there?......Are you still there….I’m sorry I didn’t catch that. Who…”
The new automated check-in system at Heathrow Airport.
You arrive late for your flight. You are stressed and all there is to help you are banks and banks of touch screen check-in points. Maybe, just maybe I could have worked these out given enough time but they have a rolling display advertising a completely different service, so you don’t even realise they are the check in screens. My husband and I ended up having a very public and rather loud marital tiff in the middle of the check in area at which point someone in airport uniform decided we needed to be suppressed and helped us out. We are now in possession of secret information which I am about to publish on the net. There are in fact check in desks at Heathrow manned by real people . They just don’t want you to find them – make sure you do.
Little lights on pieces of kit that flash all night and keep you awake. Need to recharge your mobile in a hotel room? Make sure you have a towel to throw over its glaring luminosity.
Error messages on computers
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This computer has just performed an illegal operation and will shut down destroying your last 3 hours' work.
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.
NO IT IS NOT OK. WHY SHOULD IT BE OK? Who on earth ever thought that "OK" was a suitable reply for a self destruct message?
Actually maybe not OK for self destruct but how about a little wanton, very specifically targeted destruction? If you hate modern technology and all its works. If you, like me, have days when you wish to put a large axe through something, preferably electrical, preferably still on, preferably creating green sparks, then we have the event for you.
The Golden Palace Mobile Phone Throwing Championships 2007 take place on Sunday August 12th. The object of the games is simple: to hurl a mobile phone as far as you can (accompanying shouts of frustration optional but firmly encouraged)!
Last year saw both the UK male and female records shattered, with the winning throws both being unofficial World Records. Chris Hughff threw a massive 92.30m on his first throw of the day, whilst Jan Singleton threw 53.52m to retain her status as the female champion. Entry is just £5 for 3 throws, and food will be available on the day.
More seriously, visitors are encouraged to bring along old mobiles to donate, which will raise funds for charity.
Parking will be limited, so people are encouraged to use public transport where possible. The nearest station is Hampton.